Cottage by the River

Dear Bloggie,

Xin is in depressing mode.

I cannot even plaster a smile on my face, and my tear glands seemed to be on standby mode threatening to operate any moment from now.

The hormones must be at work coz I am having my period now. But it got to be more then that. He has once commented that he doesn’t like my “I don’t know why” remark as I know the root to the problems, but I just do not wish to reveal it.

I might be feeling depress because it is a Monday. Director Active is back in Singapore after a 2 weeks overseas trip, and I got to face him today. Not that I have done anything wrong again, but right now I am definitely not in the mood to hear any sarcastic or nasty remark him. But he is my boss; I do not have other options but to face him. I wish to talk to someone about it and receive a comfortable word. But I know that everyone is busy with their life, I do not wish to stop anyone in their track to stop and listen to my grumblings.

I might be feeling depress because I have used my entire weekend to complete my Marketing Communication essay. But at least I have handed it up, and I really feel it’s quite a good piece of work. The entire yesterday spent with QH at the library is well-spent. My referencing made it a rather good piece of academic work. But before I have time to rejoice, my group mate from Management sent me an email, asking me to submit whatever I have completed for my Management group essay tomorrow. The best part is, I have not even started on it. So how am I going to class tomorrow to explain it to them…

I might be feeling depress because I am feeling lonely. I have done so many wrong things, took so many wrong turns, and made so many wrong choices, which land me at this miserable spot now. And worst, I do not know how to put things right. I do not understand why I am such a _____ (I’ve got no word for this blank). Why can’t I just survive alone and why do I so need to fill up that void in my life. There are plenty of people out there who are single and are still happily leading their fulfilled life. Why can’t I join that camp of people instead of bathing in my own pool of misery.

I might be feeling depress because my cell phone has not been ringing. But hey, this is a good thing isn’t it? I’m saving on my cell phone bill… So why am I still feeling so sad about it.

There are plenty of reasons why I’m sad and I know it. But the next problem is how I can make myself feeling better.

This is not the first time I’ve been through depressing mode, if I can do it before I’m sure I can do it again.

Anyway, the just past weekend is not that bad although I have an essay to complete. I spend the whole Saturday working on my essay; I had the first draft out by evening, and went for dinner with AC, QH and DN at Hougang Mall Café Cartel. Cartel served QH and DN, but send our orders to some other customer. We waited and waited till QH and DN had finished their food, but still no food came. Being the typical xin, I made a fuss over it and walk away with 15% discount. DN drove us back to my place, and then we played 2 rounds of mahjong. I emerge the overall winner, walking away with 24bucks.

I was telling QH it’s so true that “when your love luck is like shit, your gambling luck will soar”, but she rebuked me by saying that none of the others are having any better luck in love at the moment. Yupz, that is so true. Looking at the other cases, mine is actually minor.

We ended the game at 3am; chatted some more then they made their way home. At 4am, I can’t sleep. Solitary struck me, and depression sinks in.

I’m really fortunate that I do have fantastic friends standing by me all these while. I really appreciate them for being with me through this difficult period. And I’m actually glad that I have this space to vent out my emotions and thoughts. Words coming out from the keyboard, took a little negative emotion along with them to be posted up on the great wide web.

I think I need ice cream.