Cottage by the River

Dear Blog,

The time now is 3.21am. 1st of May, a brand new begining of a brand new month. I woke up suddenly and couldnt get back to sleep. So on my comp and see could I do online. Apparently nothing much...

Suddenly thought of an incident that happened years back....

When I was in Secondary One, I got to know this guy named V from one of those online chat (I think its Alamk Chat. mIRC wasnt even popular back then.. ICQ and MSN wasnt even invented..)

V was 2 years my senior. My first impression of him was like so-so only. So after we got to know each other from the net, we started talking on the phone. Secondary One. I was like still so young and green. Still irgnorant to all those love and relationship stuff. Stuff we talked about mainly revolves around my school work and my friends.

V was a very supportive guy I would say. I am Leo, the dominating creature. I will always like to give my comments on everything and be the center of evey topic. He would always patiently be listenly to me at the end of the other line. Why did I say his supportive is coz, regardless how unreasonble I am, or the person with fault is me, he will always have something nice and comforting to console me, and in the meanwhile leting me know its not correct.

Be it an arguement with Andrea, or some new happenings in school I will always like to share it with him. And slowly as I went on to Seconday Two, it went on to the first guy I like. How my best friend took him away just like that right in front of me. And when I faced problems in my school work, he is always more then willing to teach me. Thou difficult as its though the phone line, but then he will still patiently listen to Question after Question, solving it.

But, till then I have always, Always treated him as a friend.

When I was in Secondary Three, I realised I was talking lesser and lesser to V. My circle of friend enlarged. More and more interesting guys appeared around me. V was an introvert, the quiet and listening type. He would never have called me if I didnt make the first move. He always gives me the feeling that he is always patiently waiting at the other line should I need him...

His always supportive in very decision I made. Like when I wanted to go for the 7 Day Walk Around Singapore organised by the Girl Guides, Andrea and Qian all told me a 'Xiao Jie' like me can't make it thou they were still encouraging enough. Well, actually another important factor that was stopping me is I was never a vivid Guides back in Secondary School. So I hardly know my fellow Guides. Its just like spending the total 7 Days with strangers while fighting with my will-power to go on. But in the end, I went. And I am glad I went. He told me that this is a 'once in a life time' event. Miss it and its gone. Giving me all the pros of going, and telling me that I can get through all cons... I am a wishy washy person. At times I know what decision I want to make, which path I want to take. But then I need this little 'push' and encouragements from people, to tell me that I am making the correct decisions.

By March when I was in Secondary Three, V recieved his 'O' Levels Results. Sadly to say, he didnt really get the results he was hoping for. But he still made it into NYP.

Time flies, as he entered Poly our phone calls lessen. I couldnt remember is he the one who didnt stop by to say Hi, or am I the one who ease it as more and more people gets into my life.

When I started out Secondary Four, I had my first boyfriend. Thou this relationship didnt last very long. But I can still remember happily sharing the news with him. And when the relationship ended, i called him crying my heart out. His a friend that Andrea and Qian, and I think even Ade didnt know I have. Coz his a confiding partner I have back then. I know I can show him the down side of me to him without having to hide anything. I actually felt comfortable showing him the unglam side of me and my life. I know he will not laugh or tease me, and will not belittle stuff that are important to me. So I comfortably share every piece of news, regardless big or small with him.

I am a early 80s baby. So the early 80s babies will all be carrying a pager back in Secondary School. Pager was like an must have item for every Seconday School kid. The handphone era have not arrived. And the must have pagers was an alpha-numeric pager (like memo-jazz) and it must come with a voicemail box.

So with a pager, everyone will have a pager-code. Namely its the code to identify yourself when you page your friend. Like when I need to get Qian urgently, I will put 37-999. This means she have to call 37 (which is my pager-code) back urgently.

And for the voice mail box, you will need to enter in a password to access your own voice mail box. I think, please correct me if I am wrong. 'UU' will appear on your pager to alart you when there is a new voice message. Till now I still dont understand why is it 'UU'.

And one fine day, the sun is bright and gay, and the birds are chirping away.... Okie, wrong development of story. Who is interested in the sun and birds. Anyway, I've got a voice message. And me, loves myself too much as to puting '5137' as my password. Just in case you have no idea why is it '5137', its coz 37 represents me. And '51' means 'I Love'. I know this looks lame now. But then in a era where handphones are not common, pagers are everything a school kids have. So there are codes like '532' and '1-177155-17' which stands for 'I Miss You'.

Okie, back to my story. So as I was saying, I have a voice message. So I happily dailed the Pager Number, and skipped the greeting message that I recoreded as I have heard it at least a hundred times if not more. The system prompt for my password, and I punched in '5-1-3-7' on the telephone pad. Okie, the password is correct, but after listening to the voice message, I realised that its not correct.

This is my my message that I was listening to. Its a girl who left a message, and its not to me, but then to V. I got a total shock of my life, and checked my redialed button. So in a moment of familarity and hurry, I punched in V's Pager Number instead of mine. But what surprised me even more is, his password.

The events that followed is a blur to me. I vaguely remember calling him immediately and asking him, and he was actually pretty upset that I found out. Coz he rather this be a little secret never to be found out as he feared the outcome.

Sound kind of kiddy right, but then I was actually feeling overwhelmed. If you are hoping for an happily- ever-after ending, I will have to disappoint you. As this never happens. He didnt really persue me aggresively after that, the courtship was pretty mild. And the fact that I have treated him as a very good friend even puts me further away. Its like he knows so much about me. Its more then my likes and dislike and stuff like that. He knows of my first crush, and how it ended. He knows who first held my hand, and the details between us. I really couldnt bear it. Its a friend I had since Secondary One. A Friend. How could a relationship sparkle off? I got no idea.

And thus, knowing me too well. He knows my intentions. As thou trying to respect it, he also further himself away from me. As if trying to make it easier for me. Its only when his gone, I start to appreciate his pressence. Human beings are always like that. Only being able to appreciate after its gone. But, I was uncertain of my own feelings, not sure if this is what I want. And also fear that the begining of our relationship might be the end of our friendship.

Thou V is a friend that I deeply treasure, but then we cut-down on all contacts after that. I couldnt bring myself to tell him too much of myself after that. In fear that certain details might hurt him. Like after I graduate from Secondary School, I got a new guy holding my hand. But then his still concern like calling me asking me how did I fare for my 'O' Levels and helped me think of what courses to choose, telling me the pros and cons and stuff like that..

As time goes on, we didnt exactly contact each other. I cut off my pager line and went on the handphone era. And moved from my granny house back to my own house. I didnt leave my new contact with him. And just like that, we lost contact.

Sad, maybe a little. But then Happy, as I can look back in my life, seeing V leaving footsteps in my heart, once upon a time.