Cottage by the River

Dear Bloggie,

This will be my last whinning post, about him.

Saw an email reply this morning, and it truly upsetted me.

I am still siting here, and my tears kept building up in my eyes...

Okie, I shall be firm.

No one can help me but myself.

I was going through my old entries yesterday. After the breakup in July 2005, after 2 months, he asked me back. He beginning to chauffered me to all parts of Singapore at the oddest hours, buying me Sunflowers and giving me all the assurance. He told me he could anytime get a better girl, but he realised he clicked the best with me. Its very selfish of him to say that, but coz I love him so much, I buy it. I really thought after that ordeal, things would get better.

Now his telling me that we are like a trigometric sin graph. Giving me all those mathematics notations that I dont understand... But I knew the underlying meaning. It simply means things are going on in cycle. Its an never ending loop. No future can be seen here, as we are not able to get out of this loop.

In his heart, I am convicted. Of old crimes, or crimes that he assumed. I have to admit that I have many flaws. But dont accused me of finding someone new now when I am still trying to get you back.

Its his birthday next week. I sent him a simple sms, wanting to date him out. His reply was simply "I dont think I'm going out at all, if you dont believe, I can call you from home on that night to prove that I am not out." Hello?? That wasnt my intention at all. Even if you are going to be out celebrating with your friends, I am not going to turn hysterical about it. Its your birthday, you have a choice on what you want to do and who you want see.

Can you believe it, I am learning something new to make for him on his birthday. I have tried it multiple times but still I cannot get it right. With my colleagues trying to guide and help me along the way, but yet I still cannot get it right. And as I see time ticking aways, I am getting desparate.

And him, sending me emails to ask me grow up. Coz he assume that I am trying to look for a new target to heal my wounds and as a word of caution, he ask me to grow up. But be fair, I am NOT LOOKING OUT FOR ANY NEW GUYS NOW.

I still love him.

He still meant the world to me.

Haizz.. I dont know what to do now, I dont know what to say now.

Why cant I be like others. Why cant I just have a guy whom I loved, and will just cuddle me till the end of the world. Am I really that bad that I dont deserve to be properly loved and cared for?

Life still goes on.