Dear Bloggie,

No more whinning, I shall give an update of my life...

Remember I mentioned I bought a bew doggie... His name is Toffee.

Tada~~* Please meet the new member of my family.

His not fat... Its just his fur. Believe me.

But his such a darling.... (No worries, I still love OO the most... Not-replacable.)

See I told you his not big. I can fit him into my Gucci bag...

Attended an event organised by my company last Friday. Its an event by Iskandar Jalil, a very famous artist in pottery, and has obtained very high reviews in the art area. Well, somehow I didnt regret going to this event. Apparently, this is the last time his going to exhibit his work due to age is catching up on him...

Actually I dont really know much about arts, and I dont really know how to appreciate arts. But I actually quite like his works.

This is my favorite. Its named "The Three Gundos". (Ermm.. That red vessel behind is not part of the three gundos... But I cant remove it lah. Everything here is priced in thousands... I dont dare touch...)

Well, I must say the event touched my heart somehow. Thou I do not know how to appreciate art, but this event makes me erm... how should I say. Got the "feeling"..

Celebrated Qian's birthday over the weekend... This is how much I love her. I've such a tight dateline for my homework, yet I took timeoff to celebrate her birthday. =)

Had dinner at the Geylang's no sign board seafood restaurant. 4 of us, we ate 1 big crab (chilli crab), another big crab (white pepper), 4 crayfish with "tong fen" (this one damn big plate), sweet & sour pork ribs, sambal kangkong, some tofu dish... And a dersert to end it. And as the chiili crab is god-damn spicy, I alone drank 2 can drinks and half bottle of mineral water...

And this is the aftermath... Damn full. 4 girls actually ate this much. Haha... And right after that we adjorned to Bugis to la kopi. So full still hafta drink. But what to do... Too early to go home, and yet to late to do anything else...

Okie, thats about all for now.

Got a sports event in the office tml... -_-"

Nity Nite pple~~*

Dear Blogger,

Didnt go work today, stayed at home to finish up my econs and accts assignment which is due today.

It must be retribution.

For both him, and me.

What I have done to L in the past, is happening to me. And why have C did to him, his doing it to me.

This must be fate.

But well, after much thoughts, I cant help but feel that this is our final ending.

He is tryin so hard, to gain a brighter future. But his choice to a better future, is not for me, not even us. Its just for himself.

He dont see us together in future, he dont want to waste my time now.

And with me, I will be more of a burden and obstable to him. I am not of help to him, not able to earn as much as his earning, not able to talk this intelligent talk.

So what value do I have to him?

My thoughts are much simplier.

I just want a guy whom I love and loves me, is able to provide for us, and I want to marry him and live happily every after.

From today onwards, I will try to talk about this anymore. From now on, I will try to control my emotions better now. From now on, from now on... I also dont know what.

The next entry, will be about my life. =)

No longer about him...

But that doesnt mean I dont love him. How do you not love someone just overnite??

I will be better. No worries.

Thank you.

Dear Bloggie,

Earlier post deleted.

I'm out of my mind to post my inner thoughts out just like this.

I might be very weak and vunerable now emotionally, but I still cannot bring myself to show it.

I love him, I really do.

Becuase of love, I can forget everything that has happened. I just hope to be by his side every single day. To share all his happiness and sorrow. Be his pillar of support whenever he needs it.

I know I am not the best. I know I still fail in alot of matters. But I am trying my very best to make things work. And he, on the other hand is trying to push me further apart.

Okie, ending here before I get hysterical again.

Today is a bad day for me. Real bad.

I feel like crying again... But I have to hold back my tears once more. I have to uphold the strong front that I have been showing everyone. I cannot afford to let myself break into pieces now. No one will sympathise with me. They will just say I'm silly and stupid. When I have nothing now, the last thing I can lose is my pride.

Dear Bloggie,

At home now rushing my assignment.

But I tink I need a break from all the logis spinning around my head now, thus I'm here.

Dateline is on 28th March, still got quite abit not done. Start to get abit worried.

Anyway, I have plenty of trips linning up.

To Batam, KL and Hongkong...

Yup, after so long, this will be the one time where I'll travel w/o him.

I remembered the last time I went Genting with my cousins, w/o him, I missed him so so so much. That I wrote him cards there, only to hand carry it back to him when I'm back in Singapore.

I also made him promise me that he'll never let me travel again w/o him.

And now, I've 3 trips all lined up... But all is w/o him.

Abit sad...

Okie, its back to econs and accounts for now.

And its back to work again tml.

*sian*

Dear Bloggie,

I am truly not suitable to be in the Marketing Communication line.

This position is too near to the management, and I often find myself being stuck in silly power struggle among the management people. They are passing "meaningful" messages tru me. And I got no idea when will I get trouble onto myself one day.

I got to be on my toe every single moment of the day, be it just an email, who is it "to:" or "cc:" is also such a critical thing.

I cannot stand it... Its making my heart weak...

Scary...

Dear Bloggie,

Remember I told you my eye was all red and swelling on Monday, apparently its not a on-off case.

Last evening was actually supposed to go catch a show with A. But the show that we wanted to see, was no longer showing. (what a joke... we have been planning since last week.) So in the end, we called off the date.

So I stayed in the office till 7pm or so, and co-incidentally, we met in the same bus.

Oh well, this must be fate... So we went for dinner together.

Then when we're talking the bus home around 10plus, my eye starts to get cloudy and teary again...

When I reach home and remove my contact lens, its already quite sore.

So I slept early last night...

Well, its not only the eye... Its also coz I am tired.

Very very tired.

This morning, my eye was still red and the pain still persist. So I'm still in my specs today...

Which is dreadful... Coz I've got a company function at META (its meta right?? the building opposite boatquay.. the old post office or police station or something like that...) I'm going to a function looking damn nerdy.

Tired... So tired... Can wait for the weekend to arrive. But well, I still got loads of homework to finish over this weekend. So weekend is burnt to a certain extend...

Still dont really feel good today. But well, time will heal.

Just that I dont like the feeling that I'm hanging in the middle of nowhere...

BTW, I'll be out of Singapore for the next 2 weekends... So at least there is something for me to look forward to.

Ending here, another long senseless post early in the morning...

Dear Bloggie,

Low morale today.

I am simply whinning and whinning away recently. Thus please do not proceed to read the rest of the blog if you do not want to see my senseless whinning. There is nothing meaningful and constructive here recently, other then my endless whinning. Thank you.

I am so affected emotionally that I couldnt sleep at all last night.

But its okie, I'll get over it sooner or later.

But after all the good that DT tried to do to me, by bringing me out and talking to me, it did help, but the impact of just one single email simply bring me crashing down again. All the efforts of all my friends, all the time spent on dinners and ktv and mahjong seemed to have gone down the drain.

I was feeling so much better after the weekend. But now, I felt even more worst.

I want to tell him I got back my assignment results. Its average, but I am disappointed that I didnt do better.

We both don't have class today. I would so so so much want to go out with him. But nope, I got to get a hold on myself.

Oh god, give me the strength and hope to get through all the obstacles I'm facing now.

Dear Bloggie,

I am so tired.

Physically and mentally.

There is so much that I want to tell him.

But I dont allow myself to depend on him anymore. Should I face any obstacles, I will have to go face it and go through it myself.

1. I took back my resignation letter.

2. I cried for an hour in AW's office on Monday.

3. As a result I'm very late for school.

4. Due to over-excessive crying, my eye got sore during class. Complete with the tearing and pain and all. And it persist till Tuesday before it got well.

5. There is a plagerism case in class, thus till now I have not got back my results.

6. Coz I got upset as I hope to see you on Tuesday after school, but coz you didnt even reply my sms when I told you my class ended early, I sped all the way back, and a TP was standing at the road shoulders at PIE. My speed was around 100km/hr++... So I'm worried now.

7. I was happy coz I played with Toffee this morning.

8. And I wore a new dress to work today. I want to mms to show you how cute I think I was. (Even Allan said I looked like a doll today. Okie, maybe I forced him to a certain extend...)

There is so much, so much stuff I want to tell you.

To keep all this in my heart, to restrict myself from contacting you, is definately not an easy task.

Drained off all my energy. I am so tired.

All I want to tell you is I love you, no matter what you have said and done, I'll want to wait for you to think stuff through and hope you'll get back to me one day. But why do you have to be so mean and crude to me, and force me to say otherwise. Why did you always make me want to say,"Get out of my life once and for all" when all I want to tell you is,"I want you back in my life forever..."

I know I am not perfect. I know to a certain extend, we are a mismatch pair.. I know you are re-accessing if we have a future together. I know.... I might not be the one you want after all. So why am I so stupid.

Why am I getting so damn upset, when you are happily enjoying ur singlehood.

What the fuck am I doing to myself.

Okie, give me some time.

Think I am just too tired today.

I need to go sleep now...

Dear Bloggie,

Weekend come and go with a wink of the eye.

Had a nasty week last week, but thank god the weekend was still not that bad.

Played mahjong with HL and friends on friday and saturday nite. I finally won after a long losing spell since early this year. =) Anyway, its not the money, but the company that counts. I enjoyed myself just catching up with them.

Satuday morning went back to school with SH to study. Didnt manage to do much due to constant shifting around... Abit waste of time, but well, I got too much time onhand, and I need to get assignments done. So whatever...

Sunday caught a movie with QH at Marina Square. Ad bought her birthday present at Takashimaya.

I packed my weekend full of activities.

Just to keep myself occupied as to not let my mind wonder off.

Its working, but I came to work today feeling so tired.

Its been more then a week since I last saw him.

I missed him, to the extend that I felt depress today.

I kept thinking, will he come back to me again?

But I'm glad unlike the last time, I did not sms him or call him and all.

I simply mind my own business, and lead my life as per normal. Even thou I'm feeling terrible inside, even thou I smsed DT everynite after mahjong just to let someone know I'm home (I know DT cant be bothered, but you know that feeling when you came home late and feeling so fragile and vunerable), even thou I know I'm actually not very okie, but at least I'm managing well. =)

Be proud of me okie?

And thank you friends, for all the sms and concerns you have sent me. I really appreciate it. All the dinners, ktvs, and movies...

Thank you kae... =)

Dear Bloggie,

Had a bad day at work.

GS07 didnt go too well, but I got totally no idea what has happened. But my AA, the fucker has told me to be careful when SO (my bigbig boss) comes in tomorrow. Coz his not too happy with my graphic panels. And he has "kindly" pre-empt me that SO might scold me tomorrow.

But hey, AA is my immediate superior. You think I'll go ahead and print and send the graphic panels over w/o his blessing? Obviously he has pushed the blame to me when SO was scolding in Las Vegas. What sort of fucker is that? You approved the bloody thing, and when the boss doesnt like it, it became my problem. Okie, and this is only 1 prob... There is definately others which AA has not "pre-empt" me, like how to manage to set a small fire at our own booth.

But what the fuck... Why should I be the one shouldering the blame for AA?

And worst, I am still suffering from the GS07 aftermath, the new RME07 preparation is steadily undergoing. Today, is the deadline for ALL submission. I came in early in the morning, rushed around non-stop. And DW has the cheek to pushed his logistic stuff to me. Fine, I do it for you. I called up the forwarders and get quotes and all. But do you need to spoonfeed you to the extend by asking me stupid question like when is 10 days from 19th Mar? Do I look liek a calendar to you? Why cant you jut do that simple calculation youself when I till have loads to do and not have that time to waste on that stupid question.

I totally have no faith in doing RME07.

There is still a Friday before AW (my big boss - bigger then AA, smaller then SO, my pillar of support) comes in. Can I survive tomorrow w/o AW?

What other new stunner is AA, SO and even DW going to give me?

Actually, its really sad. When AA told me to prepare myself for the scolding tomorrow from SO, I really felt to unfair. How come you are pushing the liability to me when things happened? Will I get the credit if the show goes well?

Cant wait for monday to come. I cant wait to talk to AW and discuss about my last day. But monday is his first day back in office. Might be a bad day for discussion too.

But well, I cant be bothered that much. I am a person preparing for resignation. So anything else is not my problem anymore.

At a time like this, it would be good if sumeone's around to tell me its okie, and for me to lean on to cry on...

So its true that the bad stuff are all friends, they never come alone...

Dear Bloggie,

Having muscle ache.

My caf muscles for both legs hurts like nobody's business since Monday...

The weird thing is I have not done any exercise over the weekend. (Unless going to the IT fair for an hour, and walking down the stairs from Storey 10 to Storey 1 counts...)

I have problems boarding and alighting the bus. And while driving to school yesterday, I'm so scared that I would suddenly suffer from leg cramp as my muscle is so tight...

I'm not exagerating...

Could it be pms or what....

Dear Bloggie,

Heartache.

Do you know what is it...

Sitting in the office, I really cant help it...

What can I do to mend back this relationship....

Why is fate so cruel to me...

Dear Bloggie,

Its monday morning.

Had a nasty weekend.

Cant put things behind me as well as I had hope. In fact, seems like I cannot do it now at all.

I missed him...

But thank you all who have send me your loves, I really appreciate it. It really did help me to tide over somehow.

Okie, its back to work. =)

Dear Bloggie,

I have tendered my resignation on the 5th March.

Its rejected by my boss, he have asked me to go think about it and hope that I'll stay on. He promised that give him 1 year, just 1 more year to let the company go through some changes. So I told him I'll think about it. But well, I have thought about it, and have decided to reject his kind offer.

Anyway, I spoke to my HR Manager earlier on. My 5th March resignation still stands.

So my last day is on 4th April. [Edited]

Nope, I have not found a job yet.

Did I tell you that I gave him a chance after I realised he has cheated on me?

Yup, I burried everything behind me (well, almost everything) and still hold on to his hand, hoping that this time round, we are truly walking towards paradise. I thought what wouldnt break us, will only make us stronger...

BUT (yes, sad to say... there is a BUT) he failed me once more...

I felt so cheated again once more...

And strangly, I felt dumped. Even thou I'm not in the wrong...

Even thou the breakup is meant to be for my good (well, maybe it is if he kept cheating me), but I really love him...

Okie, I think... In my opinion.

He gave up this relationship is because he realised that the world is so big, and there are greener pasture outside. And I am definately one big block blocking him away from his "paradise"... Thus the only feasible way is to have me remove.

I have forced myself to pick myself up, and not break into piece like the last time round. I will walk away with dignity, as ultimately, I am NOT in fault... (okie, maybe a little here and there...) But somewhere not very deep down in my heart, I know I love him, and still want him back. Silly I know.. But this is love right?

At a time like this... Where supports are extremely important due to major changes in my life, I finally know who are my true friends.

Some of them are nowhere to be seen. I have to admit I was in denial stage earlier on, so maybe that pushes them a little aways from me. And maybe right now, I should be the one who have to lower my head down and approach them and tell them that I need help.

But, as friends... I dont think I need to do till that extreme to like beg for friends to come over shower me with the care and concern right...

Luckily, I still have a couple who have stood by me even when I'm denial, and is still on stand-by mode for me till now. Think I really have been very good friends to some, thus they have not given me up along the way...)

Anyway, thanks for those who have been with me all these while kae... I am sorry to trouble all of you now as I kept making dinner dates and all coz I really need some distractions and company.

Dont worry, I am not like last time. I am very calm and cool, and I still have that little sense of humor. (not alot, but just that pathetic bit little...)

Leaving him, is definately a catalyst of my leaving my current job.

For once, I have not been wishy-washy and letting things drag...

I want a fresh start, a new beginning.

If you are really my true friend, please just drop me an sms or email and tell me you love me kae...

Oh, and btw... I bought a new dog. A baby shih tzu, and Toffee is his name.